I'm posting it here for a couple reasons. First, I was obviously wrong, because there was indeed someone who fit the bill on the roster. Second, as the Browns move into their first off-season following a successful year since the new incarnation, I wanted to get back in touch with how hopeless the Browns were before Derek Anderson took over at quarterback. Third, for those who complain about the quarterback position, please recall the Cleveland Freaking Browns just went 10-5 with a QB who ranked in the top 5 in the league. That doesn't leave alot of room to upgrade. Defense might be a problem. Fourth, I want to point out that at no point does my ad mention the ability to film EAS commercials:
Things look bad for the Browns. They’ve looked bad before, but at this point,
the Death Star looks like it is about to pass the moon for a clear shot at Berea.
How did they get here? The Browns situation over the last fifteen years has simply
been ridiculous. The NFL let Art Modell take the browns to Baltimore for gajillions
of dollars. The NFL then “let” Cleveland keep the colors and shell out gajillions
of dollars for an expansion team to replace the guys wearing those colors.
Let me tell you something, If your wife divorces you and runs off for cash, you don’t
find some new girl, give her plastic surgery and call her by your wife’s name.
That would be weird.
So, the actual Browns went on to win the super bowl for former rival Baltimore,
who had already become Indianapolis. The “Browns” expanded in 1999 and have basically
remained expansion ever since. The one bright spot were those two games by Honeycomb
Holcomb in '03. It looked like the “Browns” had found the hero they so desperately
needed.
Not so much.
And they need a hero. They need Han Solo bombing out from the glaring sun thinking,
“I don’t know why I’m doing this because I’m usually in it for myself, but I hate the
Steelers and Bronco’s so screw it, ‘You’re all clear kid so lets blow this thing and
go home.”
I don’t know who that guy is. I don’t know if he’s a maverick safety who bounces around
the league on bad knees. I don’t know if it’s a tight end that stays in the league because
he knows every dirty hand-trick in the book. I don’t know if it’s a veteran QB who can
come in and show EVERY quarterback on the roster how and when to gamble and how and when
to throw the ball away, and most importantly, how and when to keep composure when something
goes wrong. Hell, he might be a coach who says, “Screw it, we’re running the hook-and-ladder”
on 3rd and 2 because a team needs haymaker confidence, not just first downs.
I’m pretty sure it’s none of the guys on this roster. I don’t know any of them, or any of
their personalities, but I’ve seen their sound bites and I’ve seen their play. There hasn’t
been one guy in four years who has stood out as “the guy who might make the difference”
as the Browns drive late on the Ravens, or as the Chiefs waddle down the field for a field goal,
or as the Steelers pull their bus into the parking lot. There are some young aggressive guys.
There are some talkers. There are some veterans who I think are frauds. There are squeaky
clean guys with potential, and there are plenty of hard workers. There’s even a good deal of
talent. But there is no hero on this roster. At least not today.
I don’t know who he is or what he is doing. I don’t know whether he speaks with a western Texas
twang or if he’s a bayou boy who rolls his words from the back of his mouth. Maybe he hustled
his way through Philadelphia, Maybe he logged in the Pac Northwest. Wherever he is he probably
once spit tobacco juice on his older brother just for the excitement of the impending escape attempt.
Whoever he is he probably annoys the hell out of everyone around him, especially authority figures.
He probably doesn’t take orders well, and he probably calls members of the media stupid when they
ask stupid questions. He also *Doesn’t Take Losing Well.*
The Browns need a guy who can erase the chalky aftertaste of the Browns/Baltimore corporate divorce.
They need a guy to replace the thud of Art Modell. They need someone to let us laugh off the helmet
toss, the blocked field goal in Pittsburgh, the Jacksonville debacle. But he’s also got to erase
John Elway. He’s got to erase Belichick and Vinnie Testaverde. Red Right 88. He’s got to be able to
see those odds, and not care. The old stadium is gone, Art is gone, The helmet toss didn’t keep the
Browns from the playoffs, Elway is retired and looks terrible, Belichick is a cheater and Vinnie wasn’t
so bad in the end. Red Right 88 still sucks, but who can remember that far back? Everyone has to go
through some growing pains.
If anyone knows this guy, please send him an application.
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